So here we are at an all too annoyingly familiar place; the subtle back-away because I'm diabetic. Granted she just got the call that her cousin dropped dead of a diabetes induced coma at the age of 32 and that makes things extremely real and personal on several levels for her regarding dating me and bringing all her fears to fruition regarding an emotional investment in me. But fuck this gets old. I cant even count how many times being diabetic has factored into a break up, whether it was the old days of blood sugar induced mood swings making me a prick or more recently moving a little slower, having shit night vision and half a foot, although being in much better health overall, diabetes seems to outweigh all my other traits, skills, passion and wisdom in the end.
Maybe this time it'll be different. Maybe. I've seen it too many times though and have come to the conclusion that the rejections among other things are a matter of Darwin at work. On an instinctual level people pick partners based on their genetic suitability. Yeah, yeah we have brains, psychology, neuroses, love and lust that counter (or bolster) the purely primal dating dance but still it lurks just under the surface on a molecular, dna scale. It frustrates me and yet I understand it. Wouldnt I have the same concerns on a gut level if I was in my partner's shoes? Probably. I'm not even sure that having conscious awareness of it changes anything in the end but hey, I'm famous for pointing out a fart in church.
So what next? I keep trudging forward, albiet with a very cool burl cane. I am empathetic to her sorrow and her fears but I dont change who I am to asuage them. In the end she'll stay or she wont and there'll be another. That isnt any sort of comfort though. I'd rather just have her stay.
Just stay.